The Best Cheat Code for Marriage is Knowing There Isn’t One
“We are going to get married.” This was the text my now husband, Joe, sent me after our first date in 2009. In hindsight, it's a pretty bold thing to say to someone after a first date. Especially considering that my outfit of choice for that date was sweatpants and a hoodie. An outfit chosen because I had no real interest in the man I was on my way to have coffee with. Life has a funny way of bringing you the things you need at just the right time — even if you have no clue in the moment. But that first coffee date that I barely even wanted to go to? Well, coffee turned into lunch, and lunch turned into a movie, which then turned into meeting up again that same night for dinner.
It was - he was - exactly what I needed.
When I mention that Joe and I were in a long-distance relationship for the first nine years, people often react with a mix of shock and horror. Their eyes widen, and their jaws drop, usually followed by an incredulous “How did you guys survive that?” And in all honesty, when I reflect on that time in our lives, I wouldn’t say we survived so much as we persisted. We also didn’t really have a choice. A month after we met, Joe left for his first overseas basketball contract to Granada, Spain. So very quickly, we had to choose if we were actually in this thing or not. We persisted in developing our relationship (including our friendship), deepening our trust, and expanding our understanding of each other. Any relationship, whether long distance or not, requires action. You have to show up. Every single day, in every moment. It’s the same message I’ve been writing about in my previous posts. Life’s hardest challenges, whether it’s retiring from sports, raising children with different or special needs, navigating cross-country moves, or maintaining a long distance relationship, all require the same thing from us: to show up.
So we did. It forced us to master authentic and clear communication — fast. Every word counts when you’re not in the same room, let alone the same continent. Every wall, facade, and pretense had to come down. We were vulnerable, open and honest with each other, in every conversation. We didn’t get a lot of the fun or fancy date nights that other couples did, so we had to get creative. Our date nights were spent on Skype, or Blackberry Messenger, or on Facebook. We were in constant communication with one another because we didn’t have the luxury of in-person one-on-one time. And for the time we did get to be together, we had already built such a solid foundation that we could then add to and create even more intimacy and trust. But above all else, it forced us to get to know ourselves as individuals first.
Who were we outside of our relationship? How did we show up to our challenges and how did that affect how we showed up with each other?
We had to answer difficult and intricate questions about our identities and aspirations, both individually and in our relationship..
People always ask me how we’ve kept our marriage strong and healthy over the last 14 years, especially since Joe is away more often than he’s at home. There’s also, of course, the stigma that comes with Joe being a professional basketball player. People ask me how I’m able to put so much trust into him and the answer is that I’m not always able to! I am human and I have human traits and tendencies that I fall into, just like everyone else. I struggle with feelings of jealousy or insecurity just like anybody else does but what I always return to is that foundation that we built in those first nine years. I know the core of my husband and what kind of man, husband, and father he is. I know the bond that we have. And I trust that I made the correct choice with my life partner. That recognition is my solace during adversity.
And with the numerous challenges we’ve faced together, it’s been a constant source of strength. It’s easy to find synergy with another person when it’s just the two of you inside your perfect bubble. But kids change that. It’s not a good or bad thing. It just is. And there’s a reason why divorces peak in the first three years after a child is born. They test the very metal of your relationship. Every crack or chink in your armor that you’ve been covering up is going to be brought to the surface in brutal clarity. There is no room for games or miscommunication because now you have other lives depending on you to get it right. And what saved us is that Joe and I understood each other on a cellular level. We were both professional athletes, highly driven and goal-oriented people. But once we had our twins, and realized that our son, Jacob, was on the Autism spectrum, all of that went out the window. We knew that our children’s needs mattered more, and so, that meant that we had to step into the absolute best versions of ourselves, both as individuals and as husband and wife.
There’s a quote I love from psychology writer, Heidi Priebe, that says: “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. Joe and I have changed infinitely since that first coffee date. He was 21 and I was 22. Those versions of us are long gone. Just like the versions of us before we got married are gone. Just like the versions of us before we had kids or received Jacob's diagnoses are gone. Just like the version of myself I was while an athlete, is gone.
We have fallen in love with and said goodbye (and hello!) to countless versions of ourselves over the last 14 years and it has only strengthened our connection to one another.
We are both on our own marvelous paths in life, and we’re also on one together, as the stewards of our family. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what keeps us turned towards one another is that we give each other the room to grow and evolve. We revel in the fact that our lifestyle may look a little different than most people’s, and that’s okay! Life as a wife to a professional athlete, with three kids and a dog is often hectic. And we don’t get everything right all the time. We make wrong turns, missteps, we get our wires crossed and argue. Things aren’t always glamorous or sexy. Life can beat you up, and we’ve definitely taken our fair share of punches that life has thrown our way. But I take comfort in the fact that, no matter what, we come back to those two kids on that coffee date. The two kids who had no idea what was coming next or what life had in store for them, but were open to any and every possibility with open arms.